When Kuala Lumpur orgasmed

On the eighth night of the Lunar Year, Kuala Lumpur arched her back in a loud and frantic display of light and sound that went on till the early hours of the next day.

The action started on a sedate pace, with occasional bursts of fireworks and popping noises from distant unseen crackers. After half an hour of foreplay, the sky began to light up with showers of golden light accompanied with ever more frequent booms.



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The noise... the noise was something to behold. It sounded like a pair of very active humans copulating noisily upon a wobbly bed that was attached to the pedal of a drum set.



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The booming went on and on, just below the threshold of climaxing. For the whole of half an hour, the imaginary wobbly bed and the drum set kept on booming. Sometimes gently, sometimes with such ferocity that the noise reverberated off the façade of apartment blocks.

And then they scaled it; they were beyond the threshold. The imaginary couple really saw fireworks. The sky erupted in light and magic accompanied by the frantic booming of explosions.



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The eruption of sensations was electric. Across the sky, flashes of orange, green, purple, red, blue and yellow appeared like sugar sprinkles on a birthday cake, and quickly faded away as gracefully as a swan paddling on the Lake Baikal. Glowing embers flung by the explosions drew squiggly lines on photographic films, looking very much like hopelessly lost sperm cells in a rectum.



When it was over, entire districts and townships were left blanketed in a light soothing haze that smelled of explosives.



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Sabrina is nuts

On twitter this morning:

Yee Wei:
The 3 ladies in accounting are talking about diapers, their's kids' (in)ability to hold their bladders overnight and the cost of diapers.

Sabrina:
Dude you go talk to them bout anal sex! Just to get a reaction! GO! GO! GO!

Sexy

Yee Wei: [boasts about numerically solving a mortgage term problem]
Jean: I think its good to study with u. Can sap your brains dry wtf
Yee Wei: My brains cannot dry one. Self lubricating brains *proud*
Jean: omg self lubricating wtf sounds bad wtf

You got stamped

Conquered!


^^

Meat rolls wrapped in tofu sheets

The Impermeability of Tofu Sheets
and its Role as a Wrap for Steamed Meat Rolls
Tan Yee Wei, March 2009

Abstract

Tofu sheets (fu pei) was used as a wrap for steaming minced meat, and its role as a moisture barrier is discussed.


Keywords

Tofu, soy, steam, impermeability, porosity, soup, gravy, wrap, roll, moisture


Introduction

Yesterday, I saw some thin, large sheets of tofu-like product at the market’s tofu and soy products seller. I bought some to experiment – the immediate idea was to use it to wrap minced meat like a spring roll, and steam. Preliminary research suggests that this tofu sheet is called fu pei in Cantonese, literally translated as tofu skin.


The filling consists of minced meat, scallops, garlic, chilli, coriander, black fungus and mushrooms.



Procedure

Using a knife and chopping board, alter the ingredients’ (scallops, garlic, chilli, coriander, black fungus and mushrooms) topology such that they are no longer continuous and simply-connected. In other words, chop finely.


Mix chopped ingredients and minced meat with seasoning.


Cut tofu sheet into reasonably sized pieces, and fill with erm… filling. At this point, I realised the tofu sheet is too thick to fold in at the ends, and thus they will remain open-ended.


Arrange in a plate, drizzle with a little soy sauce and sesame oil. Ensure plate is sufficiently deep as the filling will expel some gravy as it cooks.


Steam for ~20 mintues



Observations

The tofu sheet is a non-porous material, and therefore helped retain moisture within the meat. As the ends were not sealed, the filling at the end cooked first and formed a barrier. When the filling in the middle cooked, it emits a soupy juice, part of which was retained within the roll. The result was a particularly moist filling.


Conclusion

The tofu sheet serves as a moisture-retaining barrier.


Discussion

While the end result looks interesting, the advantages conferred by using tofu sheets is questionable. It is conceivable that an alternative method can be used to ensure minced meat does not dry out during the course of cooking, such as using a covered small deep bowl.

Therefore, the author's opinion on the practical use of the tofu sheet lies in the areas of aesthetics, flavour and texture.


Further work

An alternate application would be small squares of tofu sheets with filling in the middle and the corners brought together as to bound the filling inside the package (similar to a wonton). As the tofu sheet is not inherently sticky, a means of fastening the structure would have to be developed. Using lengths of dried preserved vegetable to tie the package together is suggested but not yet tested.

It is envisioned that the above approach will retain all of the filling's gravy within the package, resulting in a wet and nasty surprise for unsuspecting consumers who bites into the package. Further work is required in this area to verify the practicality of such an approach.

Today, the entire office disbanded an hour early so that we may converge at a karaoke joint in time for our 5 pm reservation. Buffet-style dinner was provided, though the food quality was quite dismaying for such a well-appointed venue.

As I was picking at my food (try picking up soft, gravy drenched tofu from a flat plate using a pair of chopsticks), a particle physicist who sitting across me asked, “Your particle accelerator is scheduled come online tomorrow right?”
“No ah.”
“I thought you said it was on the 17th of December?”
“No no, it’s the 27th of December.”
“And anyway you look very happy today.”
“Really? I’m normal today.”
“No you definitely look happier.”

Strange. Must be in love or something something in the water…

Unimportant content

Now that I do not have to worry about exams I have been having a lot more time on my hands. It really feels strange.

I actually have time to take random rides on the subway to look at various things, chat freely without the nagging guilt of ‘I should be studying’, running lap after lap on the Spa-Francorchamps circuit in various angry cars, analysing a portfolio of options. I have even taken to watching physics lectures from various universities on YouTube.

This last activity usually raises questioning eyebrows, so I tend to not mention it unless absolute necessary. Such as now.

I was chatting with my cousin Lai some days ago when the following transpired:

Lai: You can pay for my trip to…"that-god-knows-where-place" in China…

Me: I’m no longer in that dump called Tianjin

I’m in Shanghai!

Ooh, you’ve upgraded. I can't remember ;)

Yeah, been in Shanghai since 29 October

Didn't you notice, I'm less cynical and morbid these days. So much more cheerful

Bu bu but...the Yee Wei I know has always been cynical & morbid.

Hence, can't tell if he is any less cynical and morbid :S

Haha aww, that’s such a compliment!

From a practice question:

Alice Costain operates a convenience store in the financial district of London. If Costain increases the price of a Magnim ice cream bar from £1.00 to £1.15, weekly sales decrease from 200 units to 180 units. Which of the following statements is most accurate?

A. The price elasticity of demand is -0.66.
B. The slope of the demand curve equals the elasticity of demand.
C. The price increase will lead to an increase in total value of Magnim ice cream bars
D. Since the price elasticity of demand is less than one, the demand for Magnim is elastic.

Now I feel like a nice chocolatey Magnum...or this

Entries these days seem to be getting more and more whimsical; pardon me - brain's evaporating.

Oh look, a meme!

Seeing that I have not done stupid things in a while, I might as well fulfil my monthly quota (the smoke incident was not stupid; it was tragic). Here is a meme pinched from ze godsister:



Do you consider yourself weird or crazy?
Weird.

Who do you think the teddy bear was named after?
A long time ago I read in a general knowledge books for young children that it was Theodore Roosevelt. There’s a story behind it, something about a bear.

Do you like mint?
Generally ok.
However, I have seen mint things that most people cannot imagine (no, I’m sure you can easily imagine a mint flavoured condom). In this instance, it was a mint flavoured pau (the white steamed buns typically filled with char siew, red bean or kaya). The sweet, warm, menthol-laden and cooling paste came as quite a shock, seeing I was not expecting mint in my pau.

Are you sexually confused?
Despite being accused of that now and then, I am not sexually confused. When I was working at the restaurant, I had the extreme misfortune of having a gay man ask me if I can be dessert. Horrors. If it was a woman I could have at least flirted back or something.

Are you claustrophobic?
Only when I’m feeling restless on long flights when I am already tired, unwell and then stuffed into a non-aisle seat.

Are you afraid of heights?
No.

Do you think you sing well?
No, and I’m certain of it. I feel exceedingly out of place in karaoke sessions – the fact that I don’t really pay attention to songs make me not know a whole lot of them.
Do you know this song? No. What about this, surely you’ve heard it before? Er.. no. Ok, this one then? No.
Ultimately it frustrates the shit out of whoever who’s trying to be helpful, and I end up paying to watch people sing.

Do you like anyone?
Yah I like Jean!! <3

Do you think branded things are over-rated?
Sometimes, it’s comforting to know that the plane you are travelling in is an Airbus instead of a Fokker.
Also, the difference between a BMW and a Proton shouldn’t be neglected.

Do you think you're likely to get dementia at old age?
Does not seem likely, if my grandparents are any indication.

Do you cross dress?
Yes. I have a rather splendid collection of blouses, pleated skirts, evening gowns, knickers, A-cup bras, a few nylon stockings (these used to be really rare during the 2nd World War because parachutes were supposedly more important than stockings) and patent leather heels.
However, I have some rather masculine clothing so I’m not totally whacked. I’m particularly fond of my collection of studded leather underwear.

Are you into magazines?
I used to be, when I had to take a 45-minute train ride to that silly institution masquerading as a school. Back then we had a shit load of magazine subscriptions at home – National Geographic, Far Eastern Economic Review, Reader’s Digest, Time, Asiaweek, Discover, Scientific America, The Planetary Review.
The fees must have amounted to a bomb, but those 2 years of reading gave me so much knowledge that in hind sight, that silly institution might have been good for me after all (only because it forced me into sitting in a train for 1.5 hours a day).

Do you read a lot?
I used to. When I had access to the university’s library I would dig up books from the medicine, mathematics, physics and economics library for kicks.
Now I just work, study and waste time.

Are you an atheist?
No, I’m somewhere between a Buddhist, Taoist and agnostic.

Are you hard headed?
No, in fact my skull is so soft you could press it with the back of the spoon and it’d yield, allowing you to manipulate (or even scoop out) the contents. Inside, you’d mostly find air and differential equations.

Are you into movies?
No.

Do you like the TV?
I used to dislike it. Now I just don’t give it a damn.

Do you like the computer?
It’s my only way to connect with the world. No TV, no movies, no newspapers…

Are you fond of cosplaying?
Only if the hot girls wear teasingly short skirts with tight blouses. And if the guys stay out of sight.
But really, that situation need not be restricted to cosplay alone.
And I cannot relate to cosplay, so I will simply say I am not fond of cosplay.

Do you hate rap?
I just hate listening to it.

Do you wear polka-dotted undies?
Oh yea! Forgot to mention my polka-dotted undies earlier. A matching set of panties and bra.

Are you interested in politics?
Not really.

Are you a man of many words or are you a man of a few words?
Few words. Very few words.

Are you good at small talk?
As suggested above, no. I’m terrible at small talk.

Will you grow up to be a fine man?
I’m already grown up, a man. Cannot attest to my fineness.

How do you feel after completing this dumbass survey?
Like the dumbass I am. I just wasted a bunch of time that could have been used for studying. And the exam is next Sunday.
Dumbass indeed.

He what on the restaurant’s floor?!

I usually do not mind eating at less classy restaurants as it usually means I can get more nutrition for the same price.

Consider the difference between KFC and the cheap, dingy little joint where I had dinner today:
A burger set at KFC costs approximately 20 RMB, and consists of a burger (bread, piece of fried chicken patty, lettuce fragments, dressing), deep fried potato sticks and carbonated syrup.
At the dingy joint, a bowl of rice and a massive dish costs approximately 12 RMB. The dish would be a stir fried mix of vegetables and meat slivers.

For both instances, the bulk of the nutrition comes from:
Chicken patty and lettuce fragments in the burger
Massive dish of vegetables and meat slivers
The rest (burger bun, deep fried potato sticks, carbonated syrup, rice) is merely filler.
The result is clear: I can get more useful stuff for a lower price at the dingy little restaurant.

Of course, there is no such thing as a free lunch. The downside to dining at a dingy little joint is that you share the dining hall with less classy people (now isn’t that pretentious). Today’s incident is the most memorable to date.


***

Among the diners at the table next to mine was a couple with their spawn, probably 2 to 3 years old. He was a pesky little brat, the kind prone to emitting screechy little whines when he wanted to be carried, when he wanted to be let down, when he wanted to eat, when he wanted a drink…

So everything was progressing along smoothly – him sitting in his mother’s lap, the mother feeding him dinner – when all of a sudden he went into a minor coughing and whining fit.

Must have choked on something, so the mother swings him a little to lean out of the chair’s footprint and pats his back. The child successfully clears the offending piece of food from his mouth, and spits it on the floor. She continues patting to ensure that nothing remains, and he ejected more semi-masticated food onto the floor.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard something splattering and I turned around. The child was still sitting on his mother’s lap, but this time he was turned to one side. The mother was holding the slit of his pants* open, his young penis bathing in the soft glow of the overhead fluorescent tubes.

And from this penis, a stream of yellowish liquid flowed out and splattered onto the restaurant’s floor. Not more than 1.5 m from where I sat.


***

When met with strange circumstances (circumcised or otherwise), the best thing to do would be to tell everyone about it.

I sent a text message to several people:
At a restaurant now. The toddler at the next table just peed on the floor. The mother pulled out his penis and there he goes! Uncultured brutes… die!

D replied, asking if it was big.

I replied:
Haha, no. It was so tiny I initially thought the parents had cross-dressed a girl into a boy. Upon closer inspection, I found the unruly little squirting penguin.


* pants with slits are very common for young children in China. It’s like a normal pair of pants but with the crotch not sewn up, leaving a slit running from the front to the rear. It makes waste discharge a simpler affair, but looks extremely crass.

The chart of sexual interactions

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Errata and addendum:
'Oral sex' in the male mouth to male penis interaction should read 'fellatio'
'Oral sex' in the female mouth to female vagina interaction should read 'cunnilingus'
Hou has pointed out that the practice of penile rubbing is known as frottage.