Saturday, September 13, 2008

He what on the restaurant’s floor?!

I usually do not mind eating at less classy restaurants as it usually means I can get more nutrition for the same price.
Consider the difference between KFC and the cheap, dingy little joint where I had dinner today:
A burger set at KFC costs approximately 20 RMB, and consists of a burger (bread, piece of fried chicken patty, lettuce fragments, dressing), deep fried potato sticks and carbonated syrup.
At the dingy joint, a bowl of rice and a massive dish costs approximately 12 RMB. The dish would be a stir fried mix of vegetables and meat slivers.

For both instances, the bulk of the nutrition comes from:
Chicken patty and lettuce fragments in the burger
Massive dish of vegetables and meat slivers
The rest (burger bun, deep fried potato sticks, carbonated syrup, rice) is merely filler.
The result is clear: I can get more useful stuff for a lower price at the dingy little restaurant.

Of course, there is no such thing as a free lunch. The downside to dining at a dingy little joint is that you share the dining hall with less classy people (now isn’t that pretentious). Today’s incident is the most memorable to date.


Among the diners at the table next to mine was a couple with their spawn, probably 2 to 3 years old. He was a pesky little brat, the kind prone to emitting screechy little whines when he wanted to be carried, when he wanted to be let down, when he wanted to eat, when he wanted a drink…

So everything was progressing along smoothly – him sitting in his mother’s lap, the mother feeding him dinner – when all of a sudden he went into a minor coughing and whining fit.

Must have choked on something, so the mother swings him a little to lean out of the chair’s footprint and pats his back. The child successfully clears the offending piece of food from his mouth, and spits it on the floor. She continues patting to ensure that nothing remains, and he ejected more semi-masticated food onto the floor.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard something splattering and I turned around. The child was still sitting on his mother’s lap, but this time he was turned to one side. The mother was holding the slit of his pants* open, his young penis bathing in the soft glow of the overhead fluorescent tubes.

And from this penis, a stream of yellowish liquid flowed out and splattered onto the restaurant’s floor. Not more than 1.5 m from where I sat.


When met with strange circumstances (circumcised or otherwise), the best thing to do would be to tell everyone about it.

I sent a text message to several people:
At a restaurant now. The toddler at the next table just peed on the floor. The mother pulled out his penis and there he goes! Uncultured brutes… die!

D replied, asking if it was big.

I replied:
Haha, no. It was so tiny I initially thought the parents had cross-dressed a girl into a boy. Upon closer inspection, I found the unruly little squirting penguin.

* pants with slits are very common for young children in China. It’s like a normal pair of pants but with the crotch not sewn up, leaving a slit running from the front to the rear. It makes waste discharge a simpler affair, but looks extremely crass.

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