Thursday, October 20, 2005

I made it into the Master List of Stupid Things (again) !

Somewhere out there beyond our sensory apparatuses exists a Master List of Stupid Things. It would be pretentious to say “there lies a Master List” since we do not even know if this list is of a longish shape that can be oriented horizontally. Or for that matter, define horizontal.

Somewhere out there, beyond the scope of our ears, noses, orbiting telescopes, very large radio telescope arrays, spiritual mediums, astrologers, crystal-orb gazers, intuition, and gut feeling, exists this Master List.

Rumour mongers and chain letters, but surprisingly not including chain email, claim that Section 1 of this Master List deals with “accidental death by negligence”. An entire subsection 1c is dedicated to “ ‘Don’t worry, it’s not loaded’ and similar misjudgements”. The origins of these claims are entirely unknown, since this Master List is beyond human perception and thus nothing about it can ever be known. Theorists and speculators are of the opinion that these claims are the product of the rumour mongers’ deranged imagination. Conspiracy theorists, on the other hand, categorically state that the opinions of these theorists and speculators are part of a government cover up story concerning the mind reading probes that can also detect and read the Master List. Which government, though, is subject to argument as some say the United States, the ex-Soviet Union, or even Omicron Persei VIII*.

Nonetheless, the Master List of Stupid Things exists. That much is certain.


Today, I have caused yet another instance of my name to be added to this Master List. This is my story.

I was walking home in the rain. As usual, without an umbrella.

As I walked past an ice-cream parlour, I realised two things:
I haven’t had a gelato in ages (about 2 months, to be approximately precise)
I was hungry

And so I got my three scoops of wonderful gelato (rum & raisin, almond, choc & orange) on a cone.

Like racing tyres, ice-cream behaves differently in wet weather. Rain drops hitting the ice cream form a layer of water on the surface of the ice cream, dissolving a little of the ice cream, and causing little rivulets of liquid that while not exactly a waterfall, are extremely difficult to control by tongue.

I ended up having ice-cream solution plastered over my fingers in a sticky mess.

Ice-cream should be enjoyable. Definitely not frustrating, annoying and exasperating.


Thus in summary,
Do not eat ice cream in the rain, even if it looks like it’s “only a drizzle”.
Yet another entry in the Master List of Stupid Things is in my honour.

* Persei pronounced per-see-I:
per as in “RM45++ per person”;
see as in “Can't you see that I am busy?’
I as in “I am Lrrr, ruler of Omicron Persei VIII.”

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