Thursday, October 13, 2005

The Autobiography of a Pencil

This is a Chinese language post designed to help me rediscover some lost linguistic skills.
English translation below.




上次提起了几个作文题目,有人要铅笔的自诉刚,也有一个朋友要上巴刹记与倒霉的一天。从三个选一个不容易,所以打算了把两个作文题目合起来。那么就把“三选一”的问题硕成了“三选二”。请别跟我说“三选一”和“三丢一”是一样的。

两个作文题目“倒霉的一天”和“铅笔的自诉”就合成“铅笔倒霉的一天”。




铅笔倒霉的一天
陈一维


我是一枝铅笔,性 Staedtler,无名。2B 级,长6.9寸,外色鲜黄涂黑斑,再加上金色的文字看起来十分健美。好可惜饮用者不只靠美观购买用具,否则用具商业就被我们Staedtler 一家完全控制。

如果饮用者把铅笔的纸盒观察一下,最引人注意的就是印上的六种语文。六语有包英文,法文,德文以及其他无名的欧洲语文。详细地观察下去,在一个小小的角落可找到四行马来文字:


12 Batang Pensel
Staedtler (M) BHD
6/6A Jalan Kilang
80350 Johore Baru



不知是开玩笑,看小亚洲,或是注重出口,但虽然是大马产品可是并没有马来文及华文。

我和同盒友的主人是个工程师名叫丽俐。她只用铅笔,不摸钢笔,所以时常购买一盒一盒的铅笔。主人的男朋友是个画家,也是个常用铅笔的人。男友呢,他用的笔跟我这种不同。他的画笔都是5B或6B级,十分的软,画出来的线黑得很,价钱也不便宜。

一天,丽俐有必要用枝笔,就损手夺了男友的一枝6B。男朋友不耐烦地说:“别用我的画笔。写了字不好画。”这一件事就很快地爆炸成大喊大叫的架。

吵了不久的架便有碗碟花瓶茶杯左丢右破。不只骂铅笔的架,还吵起过去了的事。

“你时常小便不冲水!”
“我妈的生日你连一张卡都没送!”
“你很懒,常要我用车子载上载下!”
“你用我的画笔!”
“只写下个电话号码!”

不知如何,吵架变成了打仗。丽俐从桌上抓了一枝笔(我),便把我当武器要插她的男朋友。插了几插成功了,插穿了他的肚。我感到很多层的东西。插过了外衣,皮肤,薄薄的一层肥,才终于穿入了胃胀。

这时候,我半身在男友的胃里,另一半还被丽俐的手抓着。丽俐很猖狂的,葱满狠毒,把我一手就折断,把我前半身留在男朋友的肚里。

血和早餐不停地流到地面上。







From my essay topics presented in the previous post, there were a few recommendations. Adrian suggested the Autobiography of a Pencil (he thought a pencil can be sexy) while Sonia wanted either Market Trip or a Dreadful Day. Choosing one from the three was not going to be easy, so I choose two instead. Now please do not point out that choosing one from three is equivalent to rejecting one from three.

The fusion essay would be A Pencil’s Dreadful Day.



A Pencil’s Dreadful Day
Tan Yee Wei

I am a pencil, surnamed Staedtler and nameless. Graded 2B, 6.9 inches long, finished in bright yellow paint and black stripes, and printed with gold lettering, I look robustly good. It’s a pity consumers do not buy stationery based on looks alone, otherwise the stationery business would be completely dominated by the Staedtler company.

If the consumer were to scrutinise a box of pencils, the first thing one would notice is that there are six languages printed on it. They include English, French, German and some other unnamed European languages. On further inspection, one can find 4 lines of Malay hidden away at a little corner:


12 Batang Pensel
Staedtler (M) BHD
6/6A Jalan Kilang
80350 Johore Baru



Either they must be joking, underestimating Asia, or concentrating on the export market, but it is a little strange to find a Malaysia manufactured product without Malay, nor Chinese.

Me and my boxmates were purchased by Lilly, an engineer. She prefers pencils to pens, and rarely ever uses pens, but buys boxes and of boxes of pencils. Her boyfriend was an artist, another great consumer of pencils. His pencils though, were different. They were either 5B or 6B grade, with soft tips, dark marks and an expensive price tag.

One day, Lilly needed to jot down some details, and grabbed one of her boyfriend’s 6B pencils. “Don’t use my drawing pencils; they are not good to sketch after you write with them,” he snapped at her impatiently. This matter rapidly exploded into a major argument.

A short moment of arguing later, dishes, vases and glasses were being flung around. Not only were pencils were involved, but they also fought over past issues.

“You never flush after using the toilet!”
“You didn’t even send my mother a card for her birthday!”
“You’re lazy, always asking to be brought here and there in my car!”
“You used my pencil!”
“Only to take down a telephone number!”
And so on…

Somehow, things turned violent. Lilly grabbed a pencil (me) from the table, and tried using it as a stabbing weapon against her boyfriend. She made several stabbing attempts before succeeding in piercing his abdomen. I felt myself piercing through several layers. There was the shirt, then the epidermis, a thin layer of fat, and then into the stomach itself.

At this moment, half of myself was in the boyfriend’s stomach, and the other half in Lilly’s grasp. Savagely, with poisonous hatred, she snapped me in half and left my front half in the boyfriend’s abdomen.

Blood and breakfast endlessly poured out onto the floor surface.








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1 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

REALLY AWESOME.
I AM JOKING IT IS REALLY A BAD ONE.

U TAN YEE WEI

U KNOW WHT U R??????

A FUCKIN ASSHOLE.

5:52 pm, June 05, 2011  

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