Thursday, July 05, 2007

Some weekdays, when I wake up fuzzy-minded and slit-eyed, when I do not have enough sleep and when the weather is cold and miserable, I suffer from a momentary bout of existential crisis.

Do I need to drag myself to work? What am I working for?
What is the purpose of my life?

Obviously my work is paying more than required to fund a single guy’s bare necessities. There’re no car instalments to worry about, no petrol price to bug me, my wife does not exist, my daughter does not need school fees (bless her), my son lives in my imagination, my fetish for optical equipment is generally limited to cheap manual focus lenses and most importantly, I have no social life to speak of.

Perhaps I should stir up some trouble for myself, just to rid myself of this blasted existential crisis. You know, buy a car with absurd fuel consumption, get married (anyone out there? Females only, must be over 18. Email me- early bird gets the worm), adopt a child, start smoking… the usual things.


***


This evening at the gym, I chanced upon transcendence. A man showering with the cubicle door wide open, God knows why. And he was facing out too – again, only The Deities know of his intentions.

The Deities were kind to me. A flash enlightenment came over me, and I realised a truth:
The penis is a remarkably ugly thing. Or less elegantly, penises are fugly.

Nestled in a bed of pubic hair with a pair of bagged orbs for company, the human penis is generally located on the pelvis between two of the human body’s largest bones (the femurs) and posterior of a potentially bloated belly.

Compared to its surrounding anatomical features, the penis is ridiculously small. Now tell me, who hasn’t seen Michelangelo’s sculpture of David and went, “hehehe, what’s that lump between his legs?”

Viewed as an individual entity, the penis lacks the homogeneous elegance of a pair of breasts, the intricate depth seen in eyes, nor the heart-warming joy of a smile. Proportions between various dimensions of the penis do not appear to fit the Golden Ratio.

The design (intelligent or otherwise) of the human penis can thus be said to be utilitarian, with no attention given to aesthetics. The penis is a tool to direct liquids to where they are intended, and is not designed for viewing.

So put that nasty thing behind some pants, the world does not want to catch a glimpse of it.




And a brief reminder to email me, as the early bird gets the worm.

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10 Comments:

Blogger sonia said...

Hehe, I (so happen) just emailed u! But if i qualify as ur 'potential future wife', I sure do hope u didn't mean wat u talked about earlier in this post. Or I'll find my husband adopting new hobbies everyday! =P

... Glad that guys actually find 'it' ugly too. Yay, a common thought! HAHAHA. What's there to look at anyway? But actually.. I like to look at nice toned abdominal muscles. That's about it. So PLS guys, keep ur *macho tool* inside / covered. It's not pretty at all!!!

(Hehe, I'm wondering if u'd be comfy with this comment of mine. Like how u'd respond to it & etc. Haha)

2:04 am, July 06, 2007  
Blogger jean` said...

LOL. and i thought i was the only one having eye sores in the change area - what with lumpy watever eeeeewwwww

6:02 am, July 06, 2007  
Blogger albert said...

You could crank up the gearhead in you.

What could you be missing?

Sigma 12-24mm F4.5-5.6 EX DG
Peleng 8mm F3.5 M42 circular fisheye

Oh, and something in the flavor of F1.2 heh.

12:29 pm, July 06, 2007  
Blogger sabrina said...

Hahahahaha...this was just brilliant la!

Oh and worm ??? That's not very good self-advertising buddy. You should use words like python or cobra or something...bet you'd get flooded with emails :P

Oh and pleaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaseeeeeeee don't start smoking

12:58 pm, July 06, 2007  
Blogger Dr. Tan said...

Good, start smoking and dad will get some business.

3:20 pm, July 06, 2007  
Blogger Lao Chen said...

Sonia:
Haha, it seems you're the only one who happened to email. So you know what that means la.

Mm, abdominal muscles eh...


Jean:
I'd like to have a look at those scary lumps in the women's changing room.


Albert:
You read my mind. The Sigma 10-20 mm 4-5.6 has attracted my attention, although the distortion of the Peleng is not to my liking.

1.2 eh... probably the Canon 50mm L. Or the Helios 85mm 1.5, thats a frightfully sharp military derived monster. But the moment i dont lust for that kind of bokeh nor shallowness of field.


Sabrina:
:)

No la, using python would be not internally consistent. Here i am saying that penises are small and ugly, and in the next breath i give the impression of this large, regal machine.


Dr. Tan:
Smoking accelerates death, apparently.

4:17 pm, July 06, 2007  
Blogger SirSC said...

mmm early bird get the worm but eagle come later get it all~

9:56 pm, July 06, 2007  
Blogger sour milk said...

Step out and experience life.

Strangely, I've nothing against penis. Circumcised one(s) lah.

7:41 pm, July 08, 2007  
Blogger albert said...

You can't call the Peleng's output... distortion! It would be distorted if stuff turned out oval or egg-shaped.

But the 12-24mm is fullframe! The 10-20mm only has 16mm appeal.

11:25 am, July 09, 2007  
Blogger Lao Chen said...

Sour Milk:
Will do that.
Haven't got the chance to inspect one of those yet... Maybe one day you can bring me on a tour of Kuching's circumcised penises? Heh

Albert:
Ok, its not distortion. I just dont like the way it maps the 3D world onto the plane. I prefer to have a mapping procedure that keeps straight lines straight too.

7:04 pm, July 09, 2007  

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