Thursday, July 05, 2007

Some weekdays, when I wake up fuzzy-minded and slit-eyed, when I do not have enough sleep and when the weather is cold and miserable, I suffer from a momentary bout of existential crisis.

Do I need to drag myself to work? What am I working for?
What is the purpose of my life?

Obviously my work is paying more than required to fund a single guy’s bare necessities. There’re no car instalments to worry about, no petrol price to bug me, my wife does not exist, my daughter does not need school fees (bless her), my son lives in my imagination, my fetish for optical equipment is generally limited to cheap manual focus lenses and most importantly, I have no social life to speak of.

Perhaps I should stir up some trouble for myself, just to rid myself of this blasted existential crisis. You know, buy a car with absurd fuel consumption, get married (anyone out there? Females only, must be over 18. Email me- early bird gets the worm), adopt a child, start smoking… the usual things.


This evening at the gym, I chanced upon transcendence. A man showering with the cubicle door wide open, God knows why. And he was facing out too – again, only The Deities know of his intentions.

The Deities were kind to me. A flash enlightenment came over me, and I realised a truth:
The penis is a remarkably ugly thing. Or less elegantly, penises are fugly.

Nestled in a bed of pubic hair with a pair of bagged orbs for company, the human penis is generally located on the pelvis between two of the human body’s largest bones (the femurs) and posterior of a potentially bloated belly.

Compared to its surrounding anatomical features, the penis is ridiculously small. Now tell me, who hasn’t seen Michelangelo’s sculpture of David and went, “hehehe, what’s that lump between his legs?”

Viewed as an individual entity, the penis lacks the homogeneous elegance of a pair of breasts, the intricate depth seen in eyes, nor the heart-warming joy of a smile. Proportions between various dimensions of the penis do not appear to fit the Golden Ratio.

The design (intelligent or otherwise) of the human penis can thus be said to be utilitarian, with no attention given to aesthetics. The penis is a tool to direct liquids to where they are intended, and is not designed for viewing.

So put that nasty thing behind some pants, the world does not want to catch a glimpse of it.

And a brief reminder to email me, as the early bird gets the worm.

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